Do you think you are an island? Or do you feel you are glued to your loved ones, not knowing the difference between you and them?
Many of us go through this phase of not knowing who we are if we keep aside others in our lives. Sometimes we are not even aware that we emulating your parents. You may think you are an individual of your own and your actions are yours. Well, I am sorry we are not an island. We are influence, aspirations, hopes for acceptance or receiving the emotional warmth and love from are loved ones. Being that good girl and good boy. Trying to be the version are parents want us to be. You rationalize that it is your choice. But if we look closer it is your emotions that choose even the rationalization is your emotion trying to say you are logical. Even the need to rebel is part of proving your family that you are “independent” like them. Need to prove you are strong is also to try to be part of your family because you think they are and if you want to be the insider you have to be strong as well.
Now the question arises how do we be are our own person? Why do we need to? Is there something you can’t accept about your family so you want to be different from there?
The fight to be our own person comes from an inherent realization that there is something hurtful or painful or something you don’t like about other person. Even the need to accept your family members as someone great or glorious also comes from this need to be accepted the same.
The need to be good or seen as better than others also comes from this need for acceptance. It is inbuilt in us. Don’t worry we all are the same in this respect even the one who you think is distinguished or unique. Yes you don’t need to worry about not being unique either.
The question you may need to ask why do you want to be different and unique. Is it to function? Is it the need to be top in the ladder in the evolutionary race? What is it that wants you to be a better version?
Why do we need to be our better version? Imagine a world full of islands. We have seen in studies by Darwin saying about same species of birds living in different islands forming unique features of their own to adapt to their environment. Yes uniqueness is about adapting to your specific circumstances. Now you have to also see that these uniqueness wasn’t a product of just isolation but an influence of everything around them.
So why do we need to be our own individual? Is it to stand out or is it to contribute to collective functioning? Having variety in functions makes us adaptable as a collective. Without the collective we are not going to survive alone. So think about it. What unique abilities do you want to create so you can aid the survival of the collective? What is your role in the collective to move forward? If you want to move forward you need to take your links as well.
What can you do to better yourself now that you know the reason. We all come with behaviors, attitudes and emotions that are functional at some situation and dysfunctional at other. The point is to recognize where it is from and to make the choice based on the consequence it results in the given circumstance. There is no good or bad or positive or negative behavior. In one situation it is functional and with favorable outcome and in another situation the same behavior maybe dysfunctional and has an unfavorable outcome. The point is knowing how to adapt and what to choose.
There is no right or wrong way of living. There is only collective effort to move- whether it is forward or backward depends on each one of us.